Finny, do you remember when you ate a bowl of Halloween candy and your poops sparked with tiny foil pieces. Do you remember making it impossible for me to play hide and seek with L because you’d follow me wherever I went, and she’d find me in no time just by looking for you. Do you remember when you chased the mailman? How about the asshole black cat that was about to launch on the robin chick. When you got sprayed by a skunk and got soaked in tomato juice? When you ripped the bad ex boyfriends Prada shoe? When you tap danced on the tile floor every time I said “walk?”  When your naked sister pooped on the floor and by the time I went to the bathroom to get things to clean with and came back it was all gone, and you were contently licking the sides of your mouth. When you sat on the couch and looked like a person. When I sat next to you and you’d put your paw on my shoulder. When you barked and ran in your sleep. When Lydia would use you as a pillow and you’d take turns snoring. When she painted your nails pink and green and you’d let her, with the patience of a saint. Do you remember greeting me with your boxer dance Every Time I Came Home, like this was the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Do you remember eating cucumber slices off  of L and I’s foreheads, we’d laugh so hard laying on the floor and you’d wiggle and kiss us again and again. Do you remember when we walked, people would slow down their cars and yell “Your dog is gorgeous!” Do you remember when you’d sprint and do helicopter spins until you’d collapse panting and smiling as big as you could. Do you remember me telling you stories and you’d wink at me, you,all knowing, wise soul. Do you remember sleeping on a bare floor, just you and me, and me holding on to you for dear life. Do you remember that horrible border officer who interrogated me forever and you growled at him from the back seat, the first and last time you’ve ever done that with a person, my guardian at the gates. Do you remember when the bad ex boyfriend broke up with me over the phone when I was in Europe and upon return I had to move out and leave you behind… I had to beg him to visit you, which lasted for a while, but then with no explanation, he told me I could not see you anymore. How was that gonna happen? So I came in anyway, and there was no chance in the world that I was gonna be asking for permission to see you, ever again. Because you were all I had. I asked you if you wanted to come with me, you licked my face, and followed me out. The time I got you back.

We’ve had 12 years together. I fell in love with you the second I saw your picture.  I’ve spent more time with you then with anyone else on this earth and collected the whiskers that fell from your pretty face (information I have not volunteered often)  There were times when, really, all I had was you. I know for all these years there was no place you’d rather be then by my side. No matter what.  And I hope, with all my heart, that one day our spirits will meet again, that is the only comfort to this immense sadness I feel now… That you’ll come back to me in some way or I’ll find you again.

Until then, my sweet love.

P.S. I said goodbye to Finny on March 21st, 2017, exactly one month ago. The pictures here I took in 2015 in the studio where he already had hard time walking because of the slippery floors… The last 9 months of his life were the hardest because he couldn’t walk at all, he lost 20 pounds and he had a tumor growing on his lower jaw. Toward the end he couldn’t even kiss me. I prayed for him to peacefully go in his sleep. He would not have left me though… He knew how much I loved and needed him. At the end I had to make the decision to let him go. I still struggle if it was the right one. He died in my arms with all the lights on and the sun streaming through the windows. I have cried for him every single day since he’s been gone and would still put water in his water bowl. He is undoubtedly one of the best things that has ever happened to me, up there with the birth of my daughter. If you’ve had what I had you’ll know what I’m talking about. 

There was this joke I heard I while ago that kind of sums it all up: If you want to find out who loves you more, your significant other or your dog, lock them both in the trunk of your car. A few hours later open the trunk and see who’ll be happier to see you.